1000 Funny Jokes

Son: "Dad, what is an idiot?"

Dad: "An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?"

Son: "No."

"Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?"

"No, I'm sorry I don't."

"Well, it's two blocks this way, then one block to the left."

"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"

"Yes I am, I married the wrong woman."

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

"I was born in California."

"Which part?"

"All of me."

A wife got so mad at her husband she packed his bags and told him to get out.

As he walked to the door she yelled, "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death."

He turned around and said, "So, you want me to stay?"

Wife: "Why do you go out in the balcony, when I start singing?"

Husband: "Because the people would think I am beating you."

Be polite to every idiot you meet. He could be your boss tomorrow.

Little Johnny asks his father: "Where does the wind come from?"

"I don't know."

"Why do dogs bark?"

"I don't know."

"Why is the earth round?"

"I don't know."

"Does it disturb you that I ask so much?"

"No son. Please ask. Otherwise you will never learn anything."

Teacher: "Which book has helped you the most in your life?"

Student: "My father's check book!"